I am going through a really hard time right now. I thought by now I would be used to living in Africa. I thought I would enjoy “evangelism.” I thought I would have been in love with doing missions. I guess I thought my whole personality would change. I am extremely introverted. I like my alone time – actually, I don’t just like it, I love it. I still have not found my rhythm in talking to random strangers about Jesus. I live in awkward zone. Do you know what I mean? You walk into a store and pretend you’re going to buy something when you really just want to talk to the worker about Jesus. It would be more helpful if I just kept shopping and waited for them to come to me and ask, “Can I help you with something?” To which I’d reply, “Umm, Yes, You can help me with your salvation. Thanks.” My husband, on the other hand, is the complete opposite. He was meant for this. He is already friends with everyone in Gulu and he’s working on those friendships in Kitgum. He thrives on talking to people. I love this about him. I thought he makes friends easily so I don’t have to, almost friendship by osmosis.
As I go to friends and God about this, one of the questions that keeps coming up is, “What do you think God is doing in your life right now?” To tell the truth, I have no idea. I would imagine some part of my flesh is dying. If it could just die a little faster I would be grateful.
My family packaged letters together for me to open on certain days. One of the letters is from my sister and it says to open “when it’s been one of those days.” I opened it today and it says, “Faith is holding on tight when the going gets windy.” This rings especially true for me being a farmer’s daughter. I watch my dad work in the field year after year. When the cotton plant is still young and it rains, it is dangerous for the wind to start blowing. It can cause the dirt to cover up the plant and it will eventually die if it doesn’t get air. Also, it makes the dirt slick, so if it does rain again the water will just wick off. That is where my dad comes in. It is a process called “Sand Fighting”. He turns up the soil so the plant can breathe and absorb moisture. This is where I am at right now. I am waiting for God to turn up the soil so I can breathe and absorb. And how do I do that? By trusting God. I, like the cotton plant, can’t uncover myself. He is the farmer. He is always aware of what is going on, and He always cares. God is not sitting by, watching me suffocate, just like my dad wouldn’t do that with the cotton. He gets to work, no matter what time it is or how he feels. I don’t know when it will happen, but I do know it will. My flesh will die and I will grow into what God has for me.
Brittany Bagwell
Mature Cotton
I can totally relate to your post {except for the living in Africa part} … sometimes I feel like I’m in awkward zone, too. haha. I think that Lord knew that it would not be a natural thing for you {or me} … but that’s what makes it all the more beautiful when He decides to use us anyway. Praying for you everyday!
Brittany, very well said. Learning what you’re not best at is just as important as learning what you are. The body has many parts right? You are gifted for something specific and evangelism is far from the only wing of ministry. Some people are meant to be out there sand fighting and others keep the gin in working order. All are so very important. Again, very very well said. Keep at it!! “We’re behind you rooting for you!”
Blessings~
Brittany! I LOVE this! So vulnerable and honest – thanks for giving us a window into your world. I’m sure a lot of people can relate!
Brittany – what a great testimony and comparison! I love the pic of Randy on the tractor. I knew it was you writing from the first few sentences. Love you and pray for you daily.